If you’ve been following me for a little while, you may have already heard me talk about the concept of ‘serving dessert WITH dinner’. Yep. I know. It might sound a little radical, especially if you were one of those kids (like me!) who was raised to finish your dinner before you got dessert! But hear me out.
Kids often go crazy about certain foods because they sense that these foods are ‘special’ and they may even feel restricted from having them. Let’s deconstruct how kids are told to eat all of their dinner before they can have dessert. Think about it for a moment and what we’re unintentionally saying about dinner and dessert. Kids internalize this message as – dessert is something that they need to earn. I have to do this, in order to get that. I have to eat my dinner, in order to get dessert. Dessert must be better than dinner.
Another example would be using certain foods as rewards. So, when kids are told “if you behave” or “after you clean you room” or “if you do this thing… then you can have ice cream”. Kids hear that there are conditions associated to certain foods and thereby conclude that there is something special about them. So, when we take dessert off of the pedestal, then kids see them as just food. Ice cream is just another food. The way I encourage parents to explain differences in food to their children is that: some foods do a lot of things in our body (like broccoli and carrots), so we eat them more often; and some foods only do one or two things in our body, like ice cream or cookies, so that’s why we have them less often.
How Do We Take Dessert Off the Pedestal?
One way that we can take dessert off the pedestal is by offering dessert as part of the meal or snack, which can take some of the novelty away.
It also allows children to tune into their cues and eat what they’re truly hungry for.
- A child who isn’t offered dessert regularly or is in a home where dessert is built up to be a ‘big treat’ will initially eat the dessert first and often quickly when it’s offered.
- A child who is offered dessert regularly might eat the cookie first or they might just take a bite of the cookie, put it down and take a few bites of their broccoli, then another bite of the cookie, and go back and forth.
The key is to serve the dessert right alongside the other foods so it’s an equal part of the meal. It may seem strange to put a cookie next to broccoli, but when you do this, you’re telling your child that these foods are morally equivalent—and that she’s not good or bad for liking one over the other. This really frees her up to explore them on her own terms, without worrying about need to earn the dessert or please you. You can just put the dessert on their plate (or the table) without saying anything. You don’t wanna make it a big deal or give it any attention.
Benefits of Serving Dessert with Dinner
Serving dessert with dinner helps to take some of the novelty of the ‘treat’ away. When all of the foods are offered together at the same time on the same plate, the dessert (that was previously special) becomes neutralized and no longer has more power than the other foods being offered. This is helpful because it can reduce the amount of obsessing and fixating that kids can have around those “treat foods”. If all food is available during a meal, and they’re not having to eat their dinner in order to earn their dessert, they may become much less fixated on the treat.
At a young age, kids aren’t programed to want to save dessert for last – that’s something that is learned. So, kids will just tend to eat a little bit of everything when it’s served together and that can be a pretty interesting and empowering thing to watch, because you’re watching your kids regulate their intake all on their own. (This is something that a lot of us adults have really gotten out of touch with).
Serving dessert with dinner allows our kids to be in tune with their bodies and can reduce overeating. How many times have we felt full after dinner, but still ate dessert anyways? Offering the dessert at the same time as the meal allows kids to enjoy dessert without overeating and ignoring their fullness cues. You may also be surprised to see that your child will eat the dessert, then they will have like a bite of their dinner, a bite of dessert and go back and forth. At this age, kids aren’t programed to want to save dessert for last – that’s something that is learned. So kids will just tend to eat a little bit of everything when it’s served together, which can be a pretty awesome and kind of empowering thing to watch. Your basically watching your kids regulate their intake all on their own.
Ideas for Dessert and How Much to Serve
Sometimes my daughter will have a cookie or muffin or fruit snacks or a granola bar or ‘nice cream’ with her dinner. And she’s good with these options. I recommend and encourage that you think through how you want dessert to work in your house. Maybe it’s a piece of fruit, maybe it’s yogurt, maybe it’s M&Ms. Usually around the holidays (Easter, Halloween, Christmas etc), I will start offering items associated with those holidays to take them off the pedestal. For example, before Halloween, I will offer mini chocolate bars or a mini package of gummies that she would typically receive when Trick or Treating. Doing this ensures that she doesn’t feel deprived or like she needs to gorge on Halloween night. She’s already been having the ‘treat’. Make sense?
With regards to portions, I usually give one portion that seems appropriate to satisfy a child. So, a child sized dessert. If my daughter asks for more and we’re having it with dinner, I typically will say “we’re not having more of that food right now. But if you’re still hungry, you’re welcome to have more dinner”. On occasion, if there happens to be more dessert available, I will let my daughter have as much as she wants because that’s the experience that we’re having. So, this will be something that you want to think through for your family too. Typically, once you offer dessert with dinner consistently, your kids will come to understand that when they’re having a portion of dessert with dinner, they are just having that portion given, and then they’re going to move on.7
How Often to Serve Dessert with Dinner
Okay, so maybe you don’t want to offer dessert every night in your house, and maybe you want to reserve it for just the weekends. That’s totally cool too. So you could provide your kids with dessert with their meal on the weekends, and if your child asks for dessert during the week, you can just explain, “it’s not the weekend, we’re not having dessert tonight” and if they say they’re still hungry, you can tell them “you’re welcome to eat more of your dinner”. That would be my go-to message and that’s usually what I say if my daughter asks for more dessert and there’s no more available. And if you are consistent with your message, your kids know what to expect. They will understand that those are the boundaries – and that goes with pretty much anything that we’re doing as parents. Kids love routine, they love to know the boundaries. And so that can be sort of an easy way to approach it for serving dessert with dinner. Again, I recommend and encourage that you think through how you want dessert to work in your house.
